Magic Words

About a year ago, I hit a wall known as My social Life Sucks. Nothing I tried – and I tried everything short of a personality transplant -- seemed to increase my social connections or generate more emotional intimacy in my life. Enter my fabulous therapist – a fifty-year-old man who somehow gets it. He's made it clear from day one that he knows nothing about disability, yet I felt more understood in my first session than I have with the majority of my friends. When I tell him I think I get ignored in groups because I'm disabled, he not only believes me but understands why it happens. That's valuable in a way words cannot express. We have hit an impasse related to my social interactions with non-disabled people. FabTherapist believes there are a string of words I can say that possess sufficient potency to get people to notice who I am. A carefully crafted handful of sentences have the power to shift perception from "Blind, incapable, weird looking person" to "Smart, funny, intelligent woman." His argument is that people meet someone like me and suddenly don't know their role. For a stranger, the situation is full of unknowns, fears and a general sense of uncertainty. Giving them some context and a function in the social dynamic will allow them to feel comfortable with me, freeing them to notice who I am. I believe words have power. They don't have that much power. Non-disabled people need time and exposure to move past their initial impression. The problem is that most don't take that time and in fact, their subconscious writes me off often without consulting the conscious mind. There are no magic words to subjugate this process. Okay, there is something that has the power to derail things – shock. It's why some women with disabilities dress provocatively -- to shock potential dates out of the "not sexual" mindset. What would I need to do in order to shock people? Would that be in line with my personality? "Yes, I'm blind. Be careful. You don't want that to cause you to underestimate me. That would be a bad idea." The last sentence would be delivered with a slow smile. Not even sure I'm capable of a slow smile on purpose let alone uttering those words. If I could conjure up the MagicWords, I still get stuck on the idea that I should have to say them. It's not my job nor should I take on the task of easing non-disabled people past their prejudice. Disability is not exclusively the responsibility of the disabled. As a society we have created this state of affairs and as a society we should deal with it. Besides, if I noticeably aid people in coping with their discomfort, I've set a precedent. "You made me comfortable, Jen. Now, when it comes to your disability, I expect you to do all the rest of the work too." Do I want to establish such a pattern? Yet, inaction will not change anything. Principles are great, but they don't make you feel loved and valued. Besides, women have needs. And hormones. and needs that go beyond hormones.

Disability Has A P.R. Problem

"Blindness can be reduced to a nuisance" is a tagline used by the National Federation of the Blind as shorthand for what proper accommodation can accomplish. With adequate training, adaptive technology, and alternative formats, the barriers created by a world that functions on a visual level are eliminated and only small concerns, such as taking the time to label items, remain. The visual is conveyed via other forms of sensory input making the condition not particularly disabling. The same point has been made in relation to people with mobility impairments and those who are Deaf. The social model of disability, built around the concept that the way society works is the source of disablement, furthers this notion. Living in a world where a wheelchair can go everywhere and help is available if ever needed shapes a reality in which being a wheelchair user isn't a huge problem. Disability rights activists argue for accessibility in all things so that people with disabilities can move through the world with the ease others take for granted -- do B instead of A and then everyone can play. It is a very credible line of reasoning until one considers the dirty little secret that not all characteristics of disability can be reduced by accommodation to a nuisance. How can chronic pain be made only an annoyance? What method reduces lack of energy to an inconvenience? When a psychiatric condition impacts a life, can its effects be mitigated by the equivalent of a ramp or Braille menu? As someone who lives with both blindness and chronic illness, I know the first is reducible to annoyance and the second profoundly impacts my life no matter how the world functions. Yet even I talk up accommodations whilst avoiding mention of things that cannot be resolved in the do B instead of A and everyone can play formula. As a community, we remain taciturn about the aspects of disability that aren't... fixable. We are profoundly uncomfortable with the idea that sometimes disability can be difficult no matter what anyone does. I'm pretty sure it's a public relations matter. If we admit disability cannot be eradicated through accommodation and societal change, then why would the average non-disabled person bother? We need the persuasiveness of the absolute do B instead of A and all will be well. One can't sell a car on its safety features by listing all the ways airbags can fail and one cannot engender profound social change by acknowledging all the ways that change will fail to fix the entirety of the problem. As a people, we want everything to appear complication-free, even when it's not. Non-disabled people seem unable to swallow the idea that disability isn't a lousy fate. Arguing ramps and Braille an ASL interpreters reduce that destiny to nuisance seems implausible. Convincing anyone that there is a way to accommodate pain down to an annoyance seems impossible. Perhaps the honesty of admitting disability is sometimes hard will ring true and then we can argue that it will be less horrific in a world that doesn't function on assumptions of able bodies and "normal" minds. Yet conceding the hard aspects of some disabilities tends to evoke pity, a mindset many never leave for it is far easier to feel sorry for someone than to make the changes necessary to address the facets of disability that are resolvable. If we paint disability with the accommodation-fixes-everything brush, non-disabled people don't believe us. If we are honest about some parts not being fixable, then non-disabled people see no reason to bother trying. Unsolvable problem meet unmovable rock. This is why I believe disability needs a P.R. guru. This post is for Blogging Against Disablism Day 2012 and a comprehensive listing of the blogs participating and pieces posted can be found at Diary of a Goldfish.